Thursday, July 31, 2008

If Rectums Could Talk

It’s funny how everyone seems to be speculating on the events that might have taken place in that posh Damansara condominium. Overnight, every Ahmad, Ah Chong and Muthu have suddenly become experts in criminal forensics and rectal examination.

Inspired by South Park…

Greeting fellow Malaysians,

My name is Mohd Rektal bin Saiful. As the name suggests, I am the rectum of Mohd Saiful Bukhari. If you refer to the chart above, you will realise where I reside in Saiful-land.

Up till recently, I had led a humble and generally uneventful existence, except for the occasional episodes of colitis. I was thrust (no pun intended) into the limelight recently when my wonderful daddy alleged that he was sodomised against his will by none other than the larger than life Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim.

It’s funny how everyone seems to be speculating on the events that might have taken place in that posh Damansara condominium. Overnight, every Ahmad, Ah Chong and Muthu have suddenly become experts in criminal forensics and rectal examination. The undue pressure and unwanted attention has become too tremendous for one rectum to bear.

You see, we rectums are not to be confused with the anus more commonly and crudely referred to as the asshole. We don’t create crap and we certainly don’t contribute to it.

As you are all well-informed by now, I was recently examined by the unfortunate soul Dr. Mohammed Osman in the now notorious Hospital Pusrawi. The good doctor was probably bored and tired. He took a relatively brief medical history from daddy. He proceeded to document the relevant findings in typical medical jargon and in classical doctors’ scribble. Obviously, he was then unaware of the consequences that were headed his way. If he had the slightest clue that daddy was implicating Anwar Ibrahim, I am sure that Dr. Osman would have made a more detailed documentation and performed a more thorough examination on me.

That fateful and memorable day in Hospital Purawi, Dr. Mohammed Osman performed nothing more than a per rectal examination on me. A proctoscope and a detailed examination under anesthesia (EUA) should have been the rightful course if there was sufficient suspicion that me Mohd Rektal was indeed violated.
Both were not done. Dr. Osman couldn’t possibly have of course because he was just a general practitioner working in the casualty department earning an honest living to place food on the family table.

Anyway for some reason, my medical notes ended up on the internet which have probably by now reached the White House and some say the mansion of Robert Mugabe too.

I am so embarrassed but who cares about my feelings and dignity and right to confidentiality?

As it has turned out, most lay folks have been misled and further confused by the leaked medical notes, mostly because they swallow and digest everything they read on the internet without a pinch of salt.

Shrug…this is what happens when doctors write in bombastic jargon and secret symbols and obsolete hieroglyph instead of simple and clear human language with no possibility of any ambiguity.

The esteemed Dr. Muhammad Raffick Khan remarked that no clinician uses the ‘null’ symbol before a symptom or sign. This is greatly erroneous. Dr. POTS uses the ‘null’ symbol all the time previously as in ofever, obleeding to denote ‘no fever’ and ‘no bleeding’ respectively. Some smart ass however, thought that the null symbol meant ‘zero’ and thus Dr. Osman’s notes were interpreted as ‘zero bleeding’ and ‘zero ulcers’.

Dr. Osman however, made the right inference and a reasonable conclusion. He decided ‘to rule out (TRO) assault/sodomy’. It is far from a confident and outward rejection of a sodomy event. He merely remarked that as far as his physical examination was concerned, there was not notable evidence of an anorectal insult. Anwar Ibrahim and his political friends therefore, cannot employ the medical notes as concrete evidence to vindicate him of the sodomy charges. Dr. Osman’s notes however, do lend credence to the possibility of an on-going political conspiracy against Anwar.

Regardless, Dr. Osman rightfully sent daddy and me off to a government hospital for a more detailed rectal examination. The second physical I went through was even more horrowing than the first. I am still traumatized by the double assault in a short period of time. Daddy did not complain though.

Dear friends,

All you folks out there are under the impression that we rectums have an easy life. You have no idea what we go through every day. You eat one way and pass out the other with no concern for the labor we go through. We rectums and our neighbour the anus get injured in more ways than one you know.

Sodomy is common in the country and most decent homosexual men I know will employ some form of lubricant before making sweet love to their partners. It isn’t a fool-proof protection of course. Sensibly speaking however, if the elderly Anwar Ibrahim did forcibly sodomise my youthful and physically strong daddy, I doubt he had time to employ any lubricant to mask the evidence of forced sex.

I would have been greatly injured and sored by the repetitive insult, wouldn’t I? We rectums are nowhere as durable as tendons and ligaments you know.

Anyway, it’s not always about me.

It is startling and the wonder of wonders that that Anwar Ibrahim has no signs of any physical brawl upon his body to suggest resistance and struggle prior to the supposed sexual assault. I am sure my loving ayah Saiful would have protected me at any cost in the event of any impending harm upon my virgin soul.

Like I was saying, we rectums go through much more than sodomy in life.

Sometimes we face diarrhea thanks to the unhygienic Malaysian hawker food and end up all sore, flaccid and weak. Under such circumstances, my friend the anus gets very ugly, smelly and badly excoriated.

Sometimes it’s the other way around. When constipation strikes, I become all swollen and dilated in a very uncomfortable state of existence. When I finally get to release those dry and hard stools, my buddy Anas bin Saiful will end up getting anal fissures and sometimes hemorrhoids. In such situations, a per rectal examination like the one done by Dr. Osman will be extremely painful and possibly impossible. In all likelihood, it might in fact might easily be mistaken for a violated rectum.

What this humble rectum is trying to say is, the absence of any anorectal lesions does not redeem Anwar’s integrity. The presence of non-specific signs does not conclusively implicate him either.

Sigh…. I am getting really exhausted already. It’s late and I want to go to bed.

Dear people,

I am just one rectum in a sea of 23 million in Malaysia. I dread stealing the limelight from other pressing issues. It seems that little ol’ me have effectively taken the attention away from the crap-talking, bullshitting Lingam fella as well as the beautiful Altantuya whose rectum was allegedly similarly violated by the incumbent deputy prime minister.

My gosh, the pressure has really reached an intolerable state. The economy of Malaysia is hitting rock bottom while violent crime especially sexual assault upon young, innocent ladies is escalating beyond belief. I do not want to be held responsible if Malaysia collapses like Indonesia and the Philippines.

After all, I never wanted all this attention and probe and international notoriety.

By the way, do you know what I am really afraid of in life?

Rectal cancer. I heard the sufferers go through a tremendously tedious and high-risk surgery not to mention the possibility of chemotherapy thereafter.

Chronic illnesses including cancer are increasingly prevalent in Malaysia. I am not spared. The nation should concentrate public funds and effort in screening for chronic illness including rectal cancer instead of talking about one man’s rectum.

But then again, who would listen to me?

After all, I’m a passage for crap mistaken time and again for producing it.

Good night Malaysia.

Love you all lots (in a non-erotic manner),


Mohd Rektal bin Saiful Bukhari.


Anonymous said...

Malaysians are a$$holes. No doubt about that.

Going by some politician's advice, our sodomy victim should just lay quite and enjoy the whole ordeal. Just blame it on his sexy revealing thighs. He asked for it.

Padan muka lah. And by the way, I think we should stone him for inviting sodomy.

AJ7 said...

I am entertaind as well as educated. Thx.

CK said...

brilliant!!! i am actually waiting for your post!!!!

i feature it in my blog can ah?

Product of the System said...

Sure you can.

Nothing copyrighted

ShARI said...

Aye, Aye! Second that 'Brilliant' accolade!!

Anonymous said...

With the current goings-on in the country, it is no doubt the anus is KING. It captures headlines, potentially kills an aspiring politician and even entertained a certain VIP no one had ever envisaged before.

Which reminds me of a well known joke circulating years ago about how the anus (or euphemistically the a$$hole) had proudly proclaimed itself to be king much to the amusement and ridicule of the other organs of the body. Angrily responding to the such ridicule, the anus of course sulked and resorted to 'work-to-rule' measures which soon (say several days) clogged the system to the point where all systems in the body could not function properly anymore. In desperation all the organs had to submit and declare that the anus is indeed KING!

Gan said...

Good reading, educational & entertaining in a caustic way ...

HopefulPessimist said...

Interesting posts, intriguing thoughts :)

Sojourner said...

best crap i've read so far (er, no pun intended POTS) :p